struck me this morning like windshield roadkill, in the form of revelations.
1. It suddenly occurred to me, as I stared at a picture I took of myself today in a photo study– at once familiar and unfamiliar; when did I stop looking like a gawky teenager? is it just the camera angle? why do I look strangely poised?– that I deserve to be happy just as much as the next person does. And, assuming that this is the case, I should stop making myself brood at odd hours of the morning.
(writes the writer at 4:43 a.m.)
2. As I trudged outside of my dorm room 10 minutes ago to wash up and get ready for sleep, the same routine as first semester of last year in a familiar building with familiar items, I realized that I am not the same person I was at the beginning of the summer, much less at the beginning of the last academic year.
It is the people I’ve met, the friends I’ve gained, the experiences I’ve had, and the growth I’ve endured that constantly change me, and to think that this is a singular occurrence is silly– but it is a singular and abrupt realization.
This summer…was quite a summer. Baseless sneers that I now scorn, cascades and endless trails of light, laughs and warmth and hugs (and a bite to the arm?), staring at a ceiling invisible (for want of glasses) in a dark corner behind a waterfall in the company of a stranger, striking hazel-green, circles at play, 5-in-the-morning a norm, taking the train alone after an all-nighter like a mirage, leaping off a cliff to fall into waters so clear the sharpest rocks at the bottom seemed mere inches away.
And lessons learned: embrace yourself, for others will more readily embrace you if you do; around those who matter, pretense is unnecessary and if it is necessary, then that proves telling about the company you keep; stay true to yourself above all; the pursuit of happiness is noble if balanced.
The very individual moments; the people; the emotions; the euphoria; these make the tedium of work and the experience I supposedly gained for my resume completely superfluous, shades of gray in the background, obscured by the sheer radiance of happier memories in my mind. And no matter where I go from here, no matter where I am in relation to these people, I will not forget this summer and the knowledge of joy.
—
I’m more than a bit afraid of the future.
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September 4, 2008 at 9:51 pm
alice
Don’t worry so much about friends. Their coming and going is inevitable, and defining the relationship can be pretty awkward and even depressing. Of course, easier said than done… I myself often try really hard to maintain the friendships I have, even if it makes sense in my head to accept growing distances and such. Oh well.
<3 youuuuuuuuuu.
September 5, 2008 at 6:47 am
the emooly
Do you ever feel awkward referring to an acquaintance as a “friend” when speaking to others? I don’t know about you, but I now use the line “This person I know” (side-note: wow, no “whom.” A nuisance in text.) because it feels a little bit like lying to the person I am speaking to — and to myself.