I sense I’m about to make some of the same mistakes this year as I did last year, and I probably oughtn’t to.

Because even though there’s a possibility, there’s also the probability that I’m just content to fiddle with ideas and filling niches again, filling in little emotional gaps in my psyche that have been torn open by inactivity or perceived inadequacy, filling them with other people. I should be able to repair them myself, but I guess I do need outside help. But from someone I don’t actually see any future with in another city and don’t in fact think can hold my attention?

…Is it going to distract me and create more problems, though, if I do pursue this?

Probably.

—

“Hey,” he said. I turned my head, and there he was: the charming, caustic Brit I’d gone to a dining hall with once during the first freshman month.

“I thought I recognized you,” I said dryly, and fell into step with him. What do you think of our seminar so far? Hard to say. Could either be very good or very bad. Could just be a year of reading in class, and– Spouting analysis? Everyone, attempt to sound intellectual, now! go! [laugh] Exactly! I came up with this ridiculous comparison, and– Ah, but ‘anything makes senses if you look at it innovatively’– ‘Any interpretation is valid’? Bollocks. [laughter] Class? That way. You? There. Really? You’re going to outstrip me by the end of the year. Nonsense! Not nonsense– I’m hardly fluent. Really. I speak a dialect. Oh, which one?

It is very easy to exchange quick-fire bantering but by damn, it is hard to keep up with European wit at times. I very much enjoy being kept on my toes, but I fear being outstripped.

Europeans are, too, very good at the condescension that comes with perceived superiority, whether it be in wit or culture. So there’s that.

…And there we go again. Am I merely being my typical calculating self when it comes to everyone else? Or am I still subconsciously convinced that I can’t remain completely stable without some singular emotional support when, in fact, I can, and ought to do away with this entire matter and focus (which, in fact, I should)?

I should just shut up and do schoolwork. And stop living vicariously through possibilities.

—

EDIT 5:51 PM: Above mental inner debate has been clarified. Brit is a possible future friend who I happened to encounter early in the day when my brain wasn’t fully awake. He’s also something of a smartass. Meh.

This semester, I signed up for a seminar with only five other students taught by a fantastic professor from Other Prestigious University who spent a good five minutes marveling at our organization and excellent academic system. I smirked. It’s a fantastic course. Definitely looking forward to it.

EDIT, 11:50 PM: Reiterate: This dependence is going to be the death of me.