Since I’m on the brink of academic collapse, disappointing myself and knowing I’m going to disappoint my parents, half-despairing and half-given up, surrounded by ‘friends’ who offer frank disapproval and little comfort, receiving empty words of reassurance from people who know me less, knowing that even if I work my ass off next semester it will mean nothing if I get below a 2.0 this semester, I decided to take a walk.

And wound up at my favorite tiny shop in the world.

I am not the sort of girl that does comfort shopping. As a matter of fact, I don’t much like shopping, period. But when confronted by a tiny whitewashed shop with a door that doesn’t close by itself and clean shelves full of the nature-y things I love so and– a window full of glass ornaments marked “30% off all ornaments” because the winter holidays are over?

…Yes.

This little local shop has been the highlight of my semester. Just walking in and not buying anything makes me happy, if wistful.

And my affinity for glass drew me to the ornaments. I shopped here for others for Christmas but didn’t dare get myself a thing; now faced with glass drops, my eyes refused to turn elsewhere. I first waffled over the mid-sized teardrops, sky blue with a dark violet sheen, $3.50-which-would-be-around-2.50-with-the-discount, bargain shopping wheels turning and automatically number crunching in my head, standing there for a good 15 minutes comparing sizes of blue drops, six of them, almost identical but anything handmade is always unique, checking for scratches, looking at the curves formed as only hand-shaped glass can…what’s this?

Okay, larger teardrop, twice as long, $6.50-which-would-be-around-4.50-with-the-discount, significance of color, not-quite-clear but with a green tone running under every inch of glass, only one of this color, hanging unabashedly between the light blue and dark, dark midnight blue; large drop and middle drop in my hand, an earthly dance of green and blue evoking earth and sky aaand I should not be indulging myself like this, $10-would-be-$7-with-the-discount, imagine green and blue hanging against an apartment wall of the future, okay don’t think about apartments because if your grades are like this in college you’ll never get that little dream law school apartment don’t think about that either okay drops are alluring, catching the setting sun reflected in the windows across the street, because this store is facing east, not west.

But look! tiny teardrops, so very thin and delicate, a little shorter than the blue, clear with a faint faint sheen of purple but so clear, like an icicle frozen to a round anti-point, three of them hanging shyly against the end of the display rod, $2.50-that-would-be-$12.50-altogether-why-am-I-doing-this? hanging all three drops off my finger, and it looks too crowded, even against the mind’s-eye apartment wall; so holding each combination, green and clear, blue and clear, green and blue, and something doesn’t seem right, I am not meant to get more than one.

I hang the tiny icicle drop reverently in its place, and go to the girl behind the counter with the blue and the green. “Do you think 30% is about as low as you’ll go for this season?” I ask.

“Yep,” the girl says, waving a hand at the window. “They’ve just been…going since it went to 30. We’re trying to get rid of them all.”

“And you won’t have any in stock until next winter?”

“Nope. But we carry them every Christmas. Er, winter holiday.”

“Okay,” I say, “I’ll take this one.” I hand the long green drop to her.  “And I’ll go hang this back over there.”

I hang the sky blue drop back on the rod, and promise to come back for it next year. I don’t like spending all at once, but $12.50 over three years doesn’t sound so bad. One for each waning winter. One for each fall semester closed. For better or for– okay, nothing can get much worse than this.

Long, green teardrop. Barely green, like old glass, tainted glass, like the crying earth, like tears I should cry but can’t, like failure encapsulated somewhere away from me.

Like denial, but not as blatant.

I will still excel. But not this year.