from fanfiction. Yep. Deal with it.

“Right. Well, that’s still accurate, even with the benefit of hindsight. Daniel had some trouble finding an anchor in life. For a while, I think I kept him focused, and in return, he treated me like a queen. But eventually I realized that I was actually trying to shape him, and even if it might have been for the better, it was exhausting to me and ultimately unfair to him. And for his part, he realized that he couldn’t build everything around trying to please me.” She offered a self-conscious smile. “The age-old tale, isn’t it? Women trying to change men.”

“Well, sometimes we need changing,” he observed jokingly.

Her gaze turned pensive. “No,” she said. “A person can’t forcibly change another person, at least not without incurring some trauma along the way. The only way it works is when the person wants to change. Wanting to be better for someone is one of the nobler pursuits, but it has to be genuine. If you don’t sincerely like someone the way they are, it’s all built on quicksand.”

Quoted for truth.

Stupid-female pondering ahead; turn back now.

Perhaps revelations made at 4:20 (heh) in the morning are inaccurate, but I realized a few possibilities and even fewer certainties. Certainty one; I haven’t actually considered anyone in my life romantically for themselves past the semblance of being enamored of an idea, save for one, and that got sorted out when he became my best friend. (Status iffy.) Certainty two; this means I need to stop messing around with guys because it’s (a) easy (this applies to loserly people I knew back from high school or otherwise) or (b) highly unlikely that I’ll ever have a chance past the little scenario-generator in my head (this applies to most recent point of curiosity, piano-playing singing Southern hallmate who is probably not-so-secretly head-over-heels for the pretty (Asian) Southern belle in our hallway who’s just as gracious as she is gorgeous. Damn those ones) because me being me is being ineligible.

Certainty three; I don’t need a relationship now. Possibility one; I don’t think I actually even want a relationship now. Or ever, which leads to possibility two; I don’t need one ever, which is less possible but when reading the above stampede of fanfiction in an effort to mindnumb (effort successful), I realized that ideal romance and mushy I-love-yous drove me up the wall. This may be due to negative conditioning in recent months and bad mental associations, but either way, it bears pondering.

Hmmm, ponder.

I should probably sleep; clearly, my brain cells have rotted past the point of saving if I’ve been pondering love lives and lack thereof this frequently on this poor blog.

EDIT 3:27 PM: Something strikes me about the significance of a tumbled, ramshackle box of sushi pieces I like (salmon, avocado, cucumber) that no one wanted because it’d fallen off a shelf tasting oh-so-much better than any neatly-arranged one I could get (tuna, california, vegetable– with carrot…).

I think things need to be shaken up for diamonds in the rough to shine. Or, as my mother would say, pearls in the sand. But I have the feeling my GPA is going to do that whether I like it or not.